Fight for Something

A few years back our high school track team had a quote. It was just one word: Believe.

Believe. Now that word can cover a whole spectrum of different thoughts, phrases, images, and ideas. But what came to me was not "Believe in God." It was more like, "Believe in your team." But I think most importantly, "Believe in yourself."

I have a set of rules that I try to live up to every day. The first one is to believe in myself, and often I fail to do that. The next one is to challenge myself every day. Sometimes these are big challenges, and sometimes they're itty bitty smaller challenges, like trying to get myself out of bed to face the new day. A challenge is a challenge, and just like we can't treat everything the same way, we can't treat every day the same. Situations come up that make days difficult or relatively easy. Some days, you feel as if you could take on the whole world. Some days, you feel like you got kicked repeatedly in the ribs and it's not worth getting up. But it is. Trust me, getting up and trying is. You just have to believe that it is. There's that word again. 

The third rule is try to be the person I wanted to be when I wake up. That's difficult, trust me, I know. Forever the toughest critic of yourself, you have to fight your thoughts and ideas. You have to struggle with the preconceived notions that you aren't good enough and you don't belong where you are. But you do. You worked to get where you are now. And if you are in a relatively good position because of your hard work, you are worth it. And if you are in terrible, beaten down, sitting on the curb in the pouring rain position, and you want to strive to be better, than do it. The only thing that's stopping* you is you thinking you're not good enough. *Just don't hurt anyone or anything because it's not fair to them. They have their own struggles.

My fourth rule is that your brain is a muscle, exercise it as much as you exercise your body, which should be three times a week for thirty minutes, if you follow the recommendation of the medical community. This rule is similar and closely related to rule 2. Every one is different, some need more exercise to feel more accomplished while others need less to feel good and reap the benefits. Same goes for the brain. Some people have a hard time with math, others have difficulties with writing. Try it out. I have problems with numbers, so I do Sudoku's on an almost daily basis. I read, write, and draw. I don't think I'm particularly talented in some areas but I'm exercising the most important area of my brain, imagination. My imagination comes up with the monsters and heroes of dreams and reading fuels them. Drawing puts them on paper and writing gives them a story line. Try it out or find a different hobby. Exercise your noggin because there's going to be a day when you might not be as sharp as you are now.

Just a thought

I spent the past 9 hours at work standing on a ledge, more than 30 feet off the ground, taking inventory of boxes upon boxes. So what does that mean to you?

I spent the past 12 years of my life terrified of heights. And here I am, at the age of 20, with a foot dangling comfortably off a ledge as I continuously write out inventory tickets for hours. I never resolved my fear, you will not find me slack lining across Yosemite (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-N6Va-5BBM <- Like in this video).

But seriously, what does this have to do with anything?

I don't know. I just thought it meant something like "Live your life on the edge" or something like that. But that's dumb and stupid. Life is precious and fairly long for most people.

I then spent another hour at a mall with my friend so she can finish her holiday shopping. It was a stupid idea if you asked me.

These holidays are supposed to be remind us that it's our families and friends we should be thankful for and spend time with them. Instead, we go shopping for shit we don't need. Not to be a scrooge, but what is a Wii or an XBox going to do for you? It doesn't feed you, hold you, care for you, nor love you.

I guess in essence, what I wanted to say was Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and whatever holidays you may celebrate during this season. Just don't forget the real meaning, because the people you surround yourself with are the people that you should love and cherish.


It's not the mass produced toy/item that everyone has or wants that makes you special, it's your friends and family that do that.


Cheers.

Challenge.

Have you ever made a mistake, a poor decision that you regret making but didn't feel like fixing. You either didn't have the courage to fess up, still too annoyed to do anything about it, or something.

What did you do?
Probably nothing. That's what I usually do.

I challenge you to fix it. I challenge you to do something about it.

Why?
Because you'll feel better about it. Trust me.

And push your friends to do the same. It's worth it.

I'm not quite sure

Have you ever had the feeling like you have something to say but you can't find the words to say it? Or to write? Like you're searching for something and it's so close you can almost reach out and grasp hold of it?

And it's on the tip of your tongue and all you do is vie for it. Trying with all the earthly might you have to reach out for it?

And it's not there.

You're start shaking and sputtering like a mad-man or something. And you grow frustrated because you just had it. It was right there, and then *Poof* it's gone. Forever? Maybe just for a day. Perhaps for an hour. It's driving you mad just to think about it. Where does it all end? Can you ever get that back?

You could have been right on the greatest discovery of your life. Of the entire world's. And it's gone.

Just. Like. That.

I believe...

And I believe that existing without living is a waste of space. 

That God is good until he’s shoved in your face. 

That happiness can be found in the darkest of days. 

And maybe one day, we can find all of love’s ways. 

We all can succeed with a proper amount of trust. 

And that the worst thing to ingest isn’t always rust. 

A little hard work can take you up high. 

And sometimes, it’s okay to just let yourself cry.

 Only your friends can judge you for who you are.

 And truth be told, they’re the ones who help you go far. 

That peace should be everyone’s goal.

 And that losing your faith doesn’t make you lose your soul. 

That sometimes we can only do all that we can. 

And that we need to remember we are only human. 

That time of the year...

Finals: the time of year when you question your major(s) and minor(s), along with your decision to get an education.

It's that time of the year for colleges to see how far they can push their students to the brink of insanity and test how much information from a semester's worth of classes we can absorb in the short amount of time allotted to the students before each of their end-of-term exams.

Which is ridiculous. Tests are dumb. And while this may seem like a typical American perspective, it's not. Tests are dumb because they measure knowledge and information gained within a certain period of time. They do not test the understanding of each individual student on the subject in question. Tests are made by people, and as we all know, people have flaws. And this is the major flaw of the testing situations that many privileged people get to experience and dread.

Students are tested to pass classes and move on to bigger and more difficult challenges and eventually to the real world. GASP! The real world. Now what's that like? Well, it means having a job, or perhaps trying to get a job while being unemployed; it means paying bills and trying to feed yourself on a daily basis on whatever salary you may earn. In the real world, professionals are expected to learn on the go, you cannot possibly know everything and so when you get to a point where you don't know what to do, you ask for help, you look something up in a manual, a textbook, you work on it.

And how does this relate to how dumb tests are? Tests are dumb because you can't copy, or as I like to say, use your resources. Tests don't measure how good we are at working with others and our resources to gain an understanding. Pause. Understanding, not knowledge. I can know something, but do I understand it just because I know it? No. Understanding happens after gaining knowledge, not before, but it's a process that can take a while to complete, and I would argue that you don't really complete it, but that's another topic for another day.

Understandably, it would be rather difficult to test this. Written, yes. Oral, no. You can talk about it, conversations are great indicators on one's knowledge and understanding of a subject. It'll take time and total overhaul of the testing situation, but is it worth it? Perhaps, we won't know until we do it.

Empty Thoughts

"Relax," said the brain, "It's not your fault."

"Shut up," retorted the heart, "You're not tearing apart because of this."

"Quiet both of you," said the skin, "Neither of you feel the pain."

The truth is...

If I wanted you to pray for me, I would have asked. 

If I wanted you to help me, I would have asked.

If I wanted you to save me, I would have asked.

But since I didn't; since I think I grew up to be a rather decent human being without a religion to guide me; since the last time I checked, I was actually okay with myself more of than not, I don't think I will be asking for anything from you. 

I would rather die on my feet than owe you something, and be owned by you. 

Welcome to the 21st Century. We are the youth of the world, and we are tired of your shit. 

Seriously? Seriously.

I try to keep out of politics, I honestly do. I figure, "Let those dumbasses, the whole lot of them, deal with the shit they're plunging their respective countries into." I don't care if you're conservative, liberal, green, black, purple, white, or whatever, I'm pretty tolerant.

But this is getting out of hand. Economies are crashing, people are being plunged into economic disparity and chaos, except for the "1%."

You're probably thinking, "Oh here we go, another Occupier." Yes, yes I am. And let me tell you why I support Occupy Wall Street.

1. I plan on being in the teaching profession, educating and influencing young minds and pushing them to go to a great profession, to succeed in life, AND professional athletes are making more than me. Now I get it, athletes are talented and it's their job to play a sport, I understand that better than most people being an athlete on a Varsity College team. But the digits A-Rod and the Jets linebacker are making is beyond the scope of what people, who by the way are the ones who educated them and got them to college where many athletes' careers bloomed, are making less money in two or three years than what some professional athletes make in one year.

2. I'm still in college. And mommy and daddy are only paying for 4 years. After that, I'm on my own for Graduate School, which would increase my chances of getting a job. But I don't have money, because like a lot of people, I'm in the lower middle class, and I will have to get a loan that will drive me into debt and will have to spend the rest of my life paying off. Why? Because mommy and daddy don't have the money to pay for my education that will last for more than 4 years. I'm not blaming my parents, I'm grateful for the 4 years and for dealing with my shit, and to be honest, I have it better than some of my friends. But that's the point, if I'm going to be plunged into debt that will take years to pay off just for Graduate School, how are my friends and every other college student that needs loans going to pay off school.

We are the generation that owes our education to the banks.

3. As pointed out in numero due, I'm still in college. Duh, I brought that up already, so what? Well, I'm supposed to graduate college with a degree, get a job, and begin my servitude to society for raising me into the  responsible human being that I am. But the job market is crashing, teachers are getting laid off and the economy is going to hell in a hand-basket, to be cliche. So, what? I'm supposed to be this great member of society that educates young minds on a salary that is meager compared to a professional athlete, yeah I get summers off and a winter break, and I will probably work 182 days out of the year. BUT that's if I even get the job. Not only that, but I will be dealing with all the shit stuck-up parents who are overly involved in their children's lives and want me to baby them. I will be dealing with students who are even worse off than me in the economic rat race, and I will be, at some point, be paying out of pocket for their lunches, supplies, maybe even for a pair of shoes. And, hopefully, if they get their grades up and join a sport, they will go on to be great athletes making more money than the person who got them there.

4. Never mind the disadvantages faced by teachers, what about everyone else? The job market sucks for everyone. The education system is failing miserably and that's a huge problem. We're leaving the important decisions to groups of people who are earning earmarks and getting away with a lot of things, everything but probably murder. Which by the way, we have been doing for more than a century now. They're making money off the wars in which brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, nieces, and nephews are fighting and dying in. These are someone's children, and they're being slaughtered because we want to maintain a faux warfare economy that really isn't a warfare economy, just because all these politicians and corporations are making money from these wars.

5. Education. Yes. Education. I know, I'm a future teacher. Yeah, I know that I should be all for education. But it's more than that. Education is how people advance through society. It gives people the chance to get a degree and try their hand at an occupation, possibly moving up and making more money than they probably could have dreamed of. And then there's one of the biggest, most important fact about education. Education is what makes the government fear us, and they should fear us. "We the people..." not "We the corporations and millionaires..." But the people! Yes, in the 18th and 19th Century, our definition of a person was a lot different than it is now. But we're better than that! This is the 21st Century, people have the chance for a better education, for healthcare, for the chance to succeed within society but it starts with education.

Education was always different in the United States. It originally revolved around usefulness and utilitarian ideals of getting a nation going and whatnot. Not about trivial matters, like mathematics, science, history, art, music, and so on. This was in the 19th Century, when we had a nation to build. Then in the 20th Century, the Cold War forced us to push math and sciences. But now these subjects are falling short behind other nations; history is being pushed further back with art and music. What does this have to do with Occupy? Education is needed for everyone, even the Occupiers, because we are far from perfect. But I can tell you one thing, we don't care about perfection. We care that Capitalism and Democracy have become synonymous, when they are fundamentally different in an extreme way. We care that teachers no longer have jobs and so do many other people in many other fields. We care that your future is just as screwed as our's, even if you are an ultra conservative person that thinks everything's great. We care that this once great country is considering imposing a bill on the American people that will take away our fundamental rights provided to us by the Bill of Rights in the Constitution. We care that people's children are dying for wars that did not have to involve us. And we care where this once great land mass of people with different ideals and cultures, that was at the forefront of technology, that was known for its freedom from persecution, is going because this is our country, and we want to take it back from the few.


The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.  ~David Friedman

From Within

In an instance of mental clarity, I finally realized what it felt like to be completely lost, knocked on your ass, and peering through the fog at a vague outline of understanding.

After years of being knocked down, after years of falling over myself, I learned from the experience to push myself back up, brush myself off, and try it again.

It is only considered failure if you didn't try. Only half of me believed that statement but, at that time, that was the half of me in control. That was the half of me that could take the hit and give it right back.

Luckily, that was the half of me that I needed at the time; Dr. Pansy and Ms. Hyde.

Tell me again, I forgot how.

Do you remember the feeling of not feeling anything? And the world crashing around you and your just holding yourself up to the barely functioning level of competence?

The damn chain of events. Those hellish circumstances far beyond your control.

And all can do is try to fight for some sort of contentment. All you really can do is try to convince yourself that it won't happen again.

Never ever; never, never, never, ever again.

But you know it doesn't mean much; telling yourself lies to deal with truth. It won't change anything, but the act of trying feels like you got somewhere.

"I must not tell lies."

And do you remember being an empty shell not able to feel anything because you felt so much in the past few hours? Can you call back a time of when you fought so valiantly for a great day just to fail?




The problem of not feeling anything is you feel nothing.

That's What She Said

I remember the feelings of the first day when I said what I meant. And I remember feeling brave and courageous and like an honest coward that never dreamt of being a hero. It felt predestined to be the tragic figure of a Homerian epic and it seemed written in the stars that nothing was to amount from this.

But in all honesty, something rose from the nothing. And like the cataclysmic event that began the universe, that something grew to exponential proportions [Just like your mom]. I imagined it too big to bear [That's what she said], and yet too small to care.

I didn't think I would have considered it back then. I couldn't have cared less how things turned out, but now it seems overwhelmingly large to ignore [That's what your mom said last night].

And just when I thought I made it out alive, I did.

Everyday is a learning experience

Today, I learned that the education system is in desperate need of reform.

Today, I learned that teachers deserve free psychiatric help and caffeine. 

I learned that art imitating life is just as probable as life imitating art. 

Today, I learned that the question, "What don't you understand?" is a lot more complicated than I thought. 

This just got deep.

Today, I learned that after being around for ages, humanity still really doesn't know anything.

Today, I learned that there is nothing more important than education, and that system is screwed. 

The Drums of Life (or Goron City and Darunia's Dance)

And under the tyrannical oppression of life, there comes a quiet beating of drums. Slowly the double beats become faster, and as it syncs up to the echoes of your heart you pick your head up. There's power in the drum and it's forcing you up; "Slumber no more!" they bellow and as your heart finishes syncing, your feet start to the beat. First one, then the other, and before you know it, the feet hitting the ground has replaced the sound of drums.

One by one, each pound slowly envelopes you and as you lose yourself to the drums, the more you become the master of them. The ground heats up underneath you as the pounding continues; dust fills the air as the dirt on the ground has no chance to settle.

A clap of thunder above the drums prickles the hairs on the back of your neck and as the lightning flashes horizontally over head, you have found your new direction to go forth to.

That Moment

You know that awkward moment that you just try so hard to avoid?
That moment where you look down at your feet or at your cell phone just to ignore?
The moment that you just want over with so you can move on with your life?

When was the last time you faced it?


Do it. I dare you.

The light shines brighter when you let it.

The door opened slow and creaking; the noise of the rickety door frame synced to my heart beat, or was it my heart beat to the noise? I couldn’t tell then, and still can’t now. All I knew was that the door was bolted shut. And then it opened. And when it did, it felt like an eternity. Like one eternity after another, the door creaked and rattled until it was finally open. I was blinded by the immensity of the light. And just as quick as the light blinded me, it faded to plunging me into darkness.

            Back then, I couldn’t say what was scarier, the light or the darkness. Now, I think I can honestly say they both were terrifying. Standing in the between space of the door war, I was in limbo. The room I was leaving was completely lit up white, light flooded into every crevice and nook. The room that was now opened up was uncomfortably dark. Sticking my hand into the room, it disappeared into the black, but the same happened in the lit up room, my hand disappeared into the light.

            The door frame was my island of safety. Moving forwards would risk losing myself to the darkness. Going backwards, the light would consume me. I can’t tell you why I did. How I got the courage to plunge myself into the darkness. Why I chose what I chose. All I could say was that the doorway was the beacon of hope, the earlier room was passé. The suffocating darkness or the blinding light? I think the darkness was more alluring because at least I expected the monster to be true, honest to god monsters. I didn’t know the truth of that statement and I still don’t but I do know that when you close your eyes and face the darkness, it’s just as dark with them open.

            I closed my eyes and stepped forward and left the comforts of the door frame. One step at a time, I walked as if I was on a balance beam. I kept my arms out far enough to keep from falling, but close enough to not accidentally brush up on something. With my eyes closed, my imagination provided the picture before me and the monsters around me.

            I couldn’t tell if I was going straight, my imagination said yes, but reality neglected to answer the question. Within my mind, I was a tight rope walking fiend, and then I fell. I hit the ground rather hard, forcing my eyes open. Lights and colors flashed across the scene as I re-shut my eyes. Thinking about it now, I should’ve been more observant when my eyes were open. But they were shut tight now; I groped around the floor to stand up when I found something. The anatomy of the object had me identify it as a flashlight. I didn’t turn it on at first, I was scared to. What’s worse than not seeing the monsters in the dark? Seeing only one of them with the flashlight. I got up and kept going forward. Or was I just retracing my steps? At the time, if I thought about it, I would have panicked. It’s good that I only thought about it just now. Back then, with my eyes closed, I turned on the flashlight at last. It seems stupid, why would I walk with my eyes closed but the flashlight on? Part of me said the monsters hate the light. The other part of me said open your eyes. If you think darkness is terrifying and a flashlight is a fantastic invention, I would have said you were a moron. It took courage to voluntarily plunge myself into complete suffocating darkness; but opening my eyes with a flashlight took one of a noble character that had courage and bravery. That wasn’t me. Never was or ever will be, I thought at the time. Stubbing my toe on something in front of me said otherwise. My eyes forced open to see a light in my face. A quick closer inspection produced panic. I always hated mirrors at night and that freaked me out. I dropped my flashlight and light exploded everywhere. Everything was illuminated for a brief second until the light re-concentrated back to the flashlight. The mirror in front of me was cracked and rusted on the edges. The flashlight showed me the baron walls of the room but not the mirror, until I stubbed my toe into its wall. All along, the only monster in the room was the one shown in the mirror, it was me.

            I sat in the darkness, under the mirror with flashlight off and cried. Then, I laughed, and then finally, I accepted it. The acceptance was the key; the room became dimly lit with my flashlight. I stood up to face the mirror, watching the cracks deepen and then shatter. Behind the glass was the light switch. I flicked it on, saw the walls in more detail and the floor as solid and stained wood. I turned off the lights and walked out.

            Looking back, I was horrified, terrified, and scared stiff. I re-entered the room multiple time, specifically when I needed to recollect myself. The darkness at the end of the tunnel now became my safe haven when the light became too much. It’s still there to this day, but I don’t visit as much anymore, not like I used to. But every now and then, I switch off the light and feel at home with my monsters and myself. 

Unofficial First Post: What am I?

Well, I know what you are. You're a human being that has happened upon this blog. You probably have two ears, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and some fingers, and if you don't, that's fine.

Now, we ask what am I? I'm human, or so I'm told on a frequent basis, which I tend to ignore. Why a blog? I started this blog for reasons unknown to myself; but I know one thing. I want to share my thoughts with you, all of my philosophies, musings, art, streams of consciousness, whatever.

So, cheers to the new readers and I hope you enjoy.