I don't respond well to mixed messages

They tell me I have to be better.

I sit there learning day after day

Spending hours studying, analyzing, rehearsing,

Breathing.

They told me to take a break.

Why? So I can be lapped?

So I can be beaten, burned, surpassed?

So I can lose?

They tell me I have to do better.

How much longer can I sit here

Trying to absorb this profound sense of knowledge?

I've worked so hard, how much more?

Do I dare ask?

They told me I work too hard.

Damn straight I do,

I didn't spend all my time learning,

Working, exercising mind and body,

To be told 

"You work too hard, take a break."

I told them they missed the memo.

To stop trying is to stop living,

Struggling to achieve makes the reward

Taste, feel, seem infinitely better.

Don't hand it to me.

Don't stand in my way.

Because I'm like a steamroller, 

I will run you down, 

And take what I earned.

Disoriented and alone

Two days. That's all I get.

Two days, to be spent with this kid that I've been in love with for three and a half years.

Two days, to lay in bed with my feet on the wall and my head on the mattress, demanding to re-enact the Spider-Man/Mary Jane kiss.

Two days, to feel my hand wrapped tightly in a warm meat blanket of another hand that is just slightly bigger than my own.

Two days, to remember the smoothness of each other's skin and the glorious tickle spots.

Two days, to know that the bed is big enough for two people, but small enough to hold the warmth between us as we whisper to each other in the darkness of two in the morning.

Two days, to get over the disorientation of not seeing each other for a month and begin to remember that our memories extend past the thousands of text messages sent.

Two days, to lose the familiarity of texting and to learn how to function without a phone.


Two days, to be just enough to hold us over for another month, whether we like it or not.

The things I learn

Last week I competed in my first strongman competition.... and I was the only girl competing.

The one thing I learned from the competition is that even when I feel like I'm strapped to a truck, I know that I can keep moving forward. Even if it's slow and arduous, and the goal seems so damn far away, I can keep going.

Icarus wished he had wings like mine.

Don't mind me. I'm just here to grab my wings.

I figured since I'm gonna fall anyway, I might as well learn to fly on the way down.

I'll see ya later.

Hundred miles to get a kiss

"You two are so cute with how you make your long distance relationship work."

"'Cause we're a boss. People are too emotional ! OMG I MISS YOU BABY! Back in my day I had to walk a hundred miles uphill in the snow both ways to get a kiss before work!"

The wonderful little moments when that kid you spent three and a half years loving comes up with the best comment to the best compliment.


Ti voglio bene <3

The in-between

In between sleep and awake, that is where I'll find you. Where the drowsiness of sleep still makes everything fuzzy and the alertness of being awake isn't as clearly defined as it should be.

Filtering my filter

Maybe we're not supposed to have a filter. The words that we're supposed to keep to ourselves are the things that would not be condoned saying out loud in today's world. But maybe it's better to just say them; maybe we need to be shocked and insulted, be annoyed and have our world knocked upside down.

And maybe our filters are just so we won't get punched in the face, but maybe we are just too sensitive and need to be a bit more abrasive. Because really, who needs a filter when you have the spectacular show of reactions.

The sun and the moon

The moon said to the sun, "Let's just leave. Let's just pick up and go. Who is going to miss us?"

The sun just swiveled restlessly as he listened to his little moon.

"The earth won't miss us," cried the moon. "This place is so big! Let's go get lost and stay there for a bit."

The sun peaked over his horizon to eye the moon. "That won't do, dear. You know you can't stay in one place for very long. You will have to keep moving; you won't find peace until you've been everywhere and even then, it'll be temporary."

"But at least we can say we've been places!" the little moon jittered with tired excitement, the kind she gets from thinking too long about picking up and leaving.

"My dear, that will not do. You have obligations to this little earth."

"Says who?!" but the little moon turned in defeat, 'one day, I will get away,' she vowed to herself. 'One day.'

I hate when the past haunts me

And I will think of you everyday. And I will write home one day.But until I can, please keep in hand my heart for when I come back.

Can't put a title to an emotion so encompassing

I wish I could be really witty and inspirational right now. 

I wish I can passionately say "Failure is the only option if you lose faith," and then go on and succeed. 

But I gave myself away to too many people, and so I will never wholly get myself through anything.

I wish I can say that this will work out because I can do this. 

But lying never suited me well and I don't think I'm quite ready for this. 

After years of dreading this, you would have thought that I would have came prepared.

But after spending so long fighting, I just want to fall between the cracks for a bit.

But then I will never forgive myself for not fighting hard enough. 

Ode to the Underdog

 Into the Valley of Death we rode to face the enemy of a lifetime. And with sticks and stones they will break our bones, but with our hope comes their despair as we raise our fists into the air and swear to fight until our last breath. And in the end, it was them who has slaughtered us, but it will be us who will be remembered for giving the enemy one hell of fight.

For although we may be gone, the legacy will go on. Not of the six hundred who rode into their death blindly, but of the underdogs who walked with their heads held high ready to fight.

The Trimurti

Once upon a time there was an artist, a painter to be exact. She was a wonderful artist with an amazing ability to express emotion so clearly with her paints. She held an event for a weekend, a three day affair to show off her latest work of art. The paint swirled into patterns of anguish and love, happiness and the feeling of breaking into pieces. During the first days of the exhibit everyone complimented her genius and wanted to know the title, she responded with a slight nod of appreciation and the words, "It's not completely finished. Not yet."

The first two days of the one painting gallery, she implored everyone to come on the third day for that will be the day she will finally finish the art piece in front of everyone invited. The third day came, and as the audience shuffled in to the enclosed room, there were stones on the ground encircling the painting and its stand. The painter walked to the middle of the room, thanked everyone for coming, and lit a match. The match's fire leapt to the canvas with the painter's help; as the fire engulfed the canvas the crowd gasped at the spectacle- surely the painter was nuts, the paint fumes must have affected her brain in a strange and twisted way.

The painting crumbled to the ground as the smoke rose into the ventilation system of the exhibition house. As the fire dwindled to a wisp of smoke, the painter took a bow to a shocked audience. Such a work of art, gone forever.

"Why?" Was the only word heard through the room, whispered in the quietest of ways.

The painter smiled, "After creation, there is a destruction. In order for a new creation, we must destroy. As the Trimurti of Hinduism represent creation, preservation, and destruction, so does the life we lead. Born, lived, died; created, admired, destroyed."

Take a breath and leap

Just when I thought it was too much for me to bear, I jumped from the tippy top to fall haphazardly towards the hard ground. And just when I thought I was a goner, I landed on my feet.

Endless hope for a definite future

Onward to the great beyond. Let us forge ahead our own paths of greatness. Let us create the influx of streams of hope that will fuel our endless endeavors.

Bragging Rights

If I had to pick one thing to brag about it's that I'm really good at getting back to my feet.

Demons in the dark

While I fight off the demons, I'll keep you in my mind.

For thoughts of you keep the lights blazing and keep me fighting.

Can't sleep at night

And I must have changed my room around a dozen times, but the same old nightmares haunt me still.

The class system of life

There are the forty year old football dads that live in their glory days as they push their sons to do the same as them.

There are the forty year old drugs addicts still waiting for the greatest high in their lives. If they have achieved it, then they're trying to relive it.

There are the forty year old moms that never had the chance to be the prettiest in school, so they ensure their children will have what they never had, even if there is not enough money for this. 

There are the conforming non-conformists that all look alike; the bullies and the bullied; the peace lovers and the war makers. The rich and poor coexist as equally as the playground bully coexists with the smaller nerds.

Then there's us. The collective us, the us that's trying to live the best lives as possible. Is it?

Transitive property of happiness

If happiness is overall contentment with life, then listening to the rain while in your arms is the happiest I will ever be.

Simple is sweet

Where is the novelty in redundancy?

Mundane and boring.

This little life we lead has been ending since we were born. They say the breathtaking events are what make life the most special.

I disagree. It's the mundane, boring events that make those moments stand out more.

Waiting for something better is getting redundant.

What if we don't come up with something? What's the next step for video games and their consoles? 50 years ago we were projecting ourselves into the future, the 2000s and beyond, with space colonies and extraterrestrial contact. Nowadays, we put the game stories in the past, to ancient civilizations to combat dragons and monsters.

What's next for the internet? What about the government? Corporacracy- corporations that act as a governing body over an area of land and a group of people. One nation under Walmart. Hail, Mac.

The next best thing doesn't even exist for religion because anyone who claims themself a prophet is criticized, ostracized, and is told s/he belongs in an asylum.

Everything is just a copy of a copy, in which we are trying to reinvent the wheel but it's starting to get redundant.

Scientists cannot even think of life forms that aren't similar to the ones on this planet. How parochial! How narrow-minded and vain to assume all life forms ought to be like us! Who's to say another life form needs temperate climate and oxygen to breathe? Homo sapiens could be something unique to this planet alone and like no other. Why should we assume that all other life forms ought to be like us? Because we're superior? Intelligent? Destructive?

It's obvious why there are no radically new ideas being created and shared: We judge anything and anyone that doesn't fit into our neat little conceptual box labelled "Normal." We assume that everyone should maintain the same spectrum of ideas as ourselves, and that anything past that is ostracized and denied. We still have a hard time accepting someone based on their sexual orientation and sexual identity, but we accepted the internet and cell phones and video games that condone destruction. We accepted the fact that democracy and capitalism are the best ways to go and shun those who decide otherwise; giving power to the masses, how radical! But one of the biggest obstacles today is marriage equality.

We sit and wait for something better to come along as we play on our iPhones and the internet, complaining about the lag time and how our battery is going to die because Temple Run is sapping it away. We wait for others to come up with better ideas because it's someone else's job, right? Right?!

No. Wrong.

Self-Preservation through gradual self-destruction

And here I am picking myself apart again.

The self-destruction we engage in slows and becomes gradual in our efforts of self-preservation. As darkness is the absence of light, life is the absence of death, and death absence of life.

Another thought to be thunk

We never seem to thank the people that need the thanks the most, those who truly deserve it. We don't always remember to thank the people who do the most for you, probably because we overlook it or forget about it, or maybe because we're too plain shy and scared to. 

The thanks these people deserve are rarely given and always appreciated. The rarity of it is perhaps the reason as to why it's always appreciated. And perhaps, that thanks needs to be said more often after all, sacrificed the most for you?

The World Over

And I would look up and down the world for you. I'll turn over every leaf and every stone just to find you. The deepest depths of the darkest caves and oceans couldn't frighten me. The monsters in this world could never hold me back for long as the tallest mountains will never be an obstacle.

Because the thought of being in your arms is all the strength I need to turn the world over just to find you.

What the hell do we really care about?

Have you ever read the news and wondered why the hell people wonder about certain things?

Why do we need to know about the latest fashion trends when NASA's budget was cut and earth science will come to a halt?

Why do we need to know about what Lindsey Lohan is doing when people are being victimized and oppressed world wide and she's snorting cocaine?

Can we please re-evaluate our priorities?

The future

Doesn't it bother you that we spend so much money to get an education, just to be unemployed when we graduate college?

How about when we pay taxes and bills for the car and house, which we use to live in and transport us to work to earn more money to pay more bills and taxes?

I don't want a system to rule my life. Where's my self-governance?

Broke and beat, like a battered drum.

Last time, I thought the plunge would hurt. But it didn't.

What they don't tell you in school is that not all relationships leave you  broken and torn up.

What comics taught me

The emotional dangers of this world is extreme. The Hulk taught me that. The pure rage and anger that pumps through his veins can fuel him forever. But Dr. Bruce Banner, the alter ego, is completely guilty by these pure emotions and does what he can to avoid the raw power of anger.

What do you see?

Today, I was challenged to think whether or not the life I am living is a dream or reality; whether I liked what I saw in the mirror; and whether this world is one dimensional or multi-dimensional.

I fell into Wonderland again, another rabbit hole with another layer of deception and ideas. To sort it out, Socrates pushed me to meet another source of problems to be sorted: Are we just assuming what we know?

The little thoughts in the back of your head

Do you ever worry that you won't ever be content with your life?
It's not a depression, but it's not happiness either. Just contentment.

Are you happy with the world you live in? The bed you sleep in, in the town you grew up in, the house you called home?

Or do you ever wonder that it'll take many trips and adventures, many days and years, to finally be content enough to settle down for a happily ever after?

Books and Tea, the less magical Me.

The feeling of being overwhelmed just because you somehow found yourself in the middle of something you didn't want to me in the middle of (typical me).

All I really wanted to do was sit in my room and read, drink a piping hot cup of tea and be okay with the world (even if it's just a pretend 'okay').

It's not an Obsession unless you spell it with a capital O.

Note to self: An addictive personality coupled with being completely consumed by something does not always mix well.

Eternity is just another name for Never

We could spend all of forever looking for something. We could check under the kitchen sinks, lift up the couch cushions, peak underneath the bed. We could chase after a faint idea of something, whatever it is, and hope we will find it before we die.

Or we could go after it with a club. Forget looking for it, we need to chase after it.

Procrastination is a skill of epic proportions

I don't know if I ever expressed the need for a vacation. Or the need for no homework, just for once.

Give me a week off. Give me a day to rest.

I don't know if I ever expressed the need for doing keeping busy. Or the need for doing so much work I can actually fall asleep at night, for once.

Give me as much work as can be offered. Give me a deadline and it will get done.

Have you ever gone to bed at night hoping that you've done the best you could to be a decent human being?

Look What Happened

I would admit that I'm scared at the prospect of screwing up my future. I would admit that I'm terrified of knowing that I will never escape the migraines and injuries that haunt me. I would confess that I don't know what I'm doing half the time and that I just pray I'm doing the best I can.

But that would mean I'm human, and being human is to be mortal, which is just as scary as admitting that I hate owing someone something, or worse - someone owing me something.

Escapism is a way of life.

All I can think about is escaping to my books from this reality. And all I really can assure myself is that they will take me whole-heartedly.

All I wanted to do was sleep

I never asked to be a leader. And I never asked to be a follower.

I like the fence, I like sitting out and watching both sides duke it out.

But now that you've made me a leader, I shall lead. And I promise, you may not like where I lead this to.

Twilight Tapping

Tap. Tap. Tap.
My fingers move around the keyboard trying to finish the work that needs to get done.

Tap. Tap. Tap.
The amount of time I spend on the internet is proportionally related to the amount of work that needs to get done: the larger the amount of work, the larger the amount of time I spend checking my news feeds, emails, the news, and blog.

Neglecting society for myself

Never mind 'normal,' what ever that is. Whoever said it was fun being 'normal' anyway? When did we think it was okay to act like the same kind of person?

Never mind you, society. I didn't want you busting into my life and controlling me in the first place.

Clarification

I will just like to clarify that civil rights, human rights, environmental crises, and anything that involves all humans are neither a "conservative" nor "liberal" issue. They are HUMAN issues and they don't belong on a spectrum of affiliations.

The crazy things I miss

What I miss about church is the feeling of being saved. Sure, it might have been an illusion, but it was great while it lasted.

Bad case of foot-in-the-concrete

One foot forward and swing the arms. The concrete swallowed the rear foot whole; how does this always happen? No one else seems to have the same problem and this is getting ridiculous. Swing the arms more, maybe, just maybe, they could propel the body forward.

3...

2...

1...
And the arms fling forward and the lead foot pushes off the ground, only to be swallowed as your rear foot is released. Without ever consciously giving any consent, gravity decides to pull down and the now freed foot compulsively steps forward to stop the awkward meeting between face and concrete.

It's really difficult to get anywhere when your feet are stuck in concrete.

Pursue after something with a battering ram

All these little thoughts, do they really mean much? As I think them out, in words I just hear blah blah blah. They will never find themselves being airborne. They will forever be imprisoned on pieces of paper strewn carelessly aside. Some won't develop into a grown-up thought, if there is such a thing as a thought growing up. Others won't even make past the picture in my head. Stupid, dumb, lazy, good for nothing thoughts unable to achieve their brilliance that they ought to pursue.

The Hands drew out a curve and asked the Eyes what they saw. The right Eye said a rainbow while the left Eye said the outline of the moon. The Brain scoffed at their nonsense, "It's just a curve. Nothing to it." 

"Why must you shoot them down?" Reprimanded the Heart like a protective parent. "Let them see it as how they want to."

"Well, what do you see?" The Brain said quick witted as usual. 

"I see the curve of a body and the crescent smile that tugs at the corner of the lips. I see the curve continuing into an oval eye or a fallen eyelash. I see the eclipse of the moon by the sun, and I see the curve of the Earth from the moon with the sun sparking at the horizon. But most importantly, I see the potential of the curve to be something monumental."

The Brain, Eyes, and Hand were left speechless at such passion the Heart held.

What I know

I'll admit that there are very few things I understand when it comes to the whole scope of the universe and all the possible jobs and techniques and technology. But one thing that bothers me to the point of irritation and kicking something is politicians. Now, I don't care if you're conservative, liberal, green, black, orange, or purple. I DO care about whether or not you hurt someone (or multiple someones) or something(s). As long as your opinions do not get shoved down my throat, but these politicians, and I mean BOTH sides, are getting ridiculous.

Women's rights. Funny joke, right? If you laughed at those words, I hope you stub your toe. Women have been subdued and taught to be submissive since we decided a Patriarchy is a better way to run things. But the importance of women throughout history is huge. A Spartan woman was expected to be strong willed as to teach the children how to be strong. Women have been raising children, working the land and/or jobs, and have been keeping the house and the men going. Without women, we wouldn't have the other half that makes a successful society, which takes teamwork from both sides.  

And potential policy-makers want to shove women 20 years back? Oh hell no. There are women in the Secret Service, the FBI, the CIA, and so on. 

Plus, why can't we have someone from the LGBTQ for President? Why can't we have someone who fought more for the lives of others than for their political career? When the hell are we going to have a women president? And why is there no atheist in office when this country has no OFFICIAL religion?

Saturday morning rants as to how the United States ought to be.

My head is about to explode

In my mind there is a map of the galactic forces at work.
I don't know what that means, but I do know that my head hurts.

My heart has an imprint of some kid's face on it.
I know what that means, but I wonder how it got there.

The little indents on my fingers feel raw.
I'm sure it's from feeling the rough walls and the paved ground.

The pattern has a loose thread

Qui, nella notte                                                           Here, in the night

C’e` un terrore                                                             There is a terror

Ma non esisge                                                             But it doesn’t exists

Fuori la testa                                                               Outside the head

Durante il giorno                                                         During the day

C’e` un eroe                                                                There is a hero

Ma non esisge                                                             But it doesn’t exist

Dentro la testa                                                             Inside the head

Dov’e` l’eroe                                                               Where is the hero

Durante la notte                                                          During the night

Nella testa                                                                   In the head

Per lottare il terrore?                                                   To fight the terror?

Slacktivism is a disease, not a social advocacy

Slacktivism. There, I said it. It's when you try to advocate for something but how you are doing it is by pressing 'Share' on Facebook.

Almost everyone and their mothers saw the Kony 2012 video. Almost everyone and their mothers are outraged by the happenings in Central Africa. Why? Because they took 30 minutes out of their day to watch a video.

But why is that slacktivism? Because! Invisible Children is an amazing group that's been around for about 6 years. The use of child soldiers in Central Africa has been around for 20 years. Amnesty International has been around for 50 years. The local chapter on my campus has been around for about 6 years also. But nobody pays attention. It's the 'Kitty Genovese' scenario on crack- everyone thinks that everyone else is doing something about it, when in fact, very little are. For too long social activists have been trying to get the world (1st world societies) to pay attention, and for too long we have been ignored. And then a video shows up on line, 30 minutes is all it took for the gasps, sighs, and angry outcries to occur. But when you're trying to stop rape in the Congo, no one will stop to take 10-15 seconds out of their life to sign a petition.

That's a HUGE discrepancy. 30 minute video vs. 10-15 seconds to sign a petition.

Okay, okay, maybe it'll take a bit longer than 15 seconds. 1 minute to hear what we have to say, read a letter, and sign. That's a 29 minute difference!

And now, you all pay attention. And now, you all want to do something. Go ahead, click 'Share' - for some of us, that's our first step of action. As we have been fighting battles all too similar to this, we're just going to make this another topic that we're going to hit. But others, the slacktivists, they hit 'Share' because for about an hour they will be festering an outraged attitude towards Joseph Kony, but then it will fizzle it out.

So what's the difference between a 30 minute activist video and a 1 minute petition sign and letter reading? Well, besides 29 minutes, the difference is you are all just sitting there, on Facebook anyway, waiting for the next best story to pop up and here it is. Not like you have anything else to do? Food is right in front of you, right?

If you really want to do something, get off Facebook, do some research, learn about the movement, and join the fight. And this doesn't have to be about stopping Kony; LGBTQ rights are being infringed upon all over the world; women are being raped while people are losing their access to water; NDAA is being discussed and passed taking a way the 1st Amendment of the Constitution (FREE SPEECH, people).

You want to continue to frolic in the liberties you have as an American? Then stop pressing 'Share,' start joining local chapters of world wide organizations, be part of the bigger picture, start fighting for something because this is OUR world, and I'm not going down without a fight.


Some sites you should visit:
For the United States :http://www.amnestyusa.org/

For the global community: http://www.amnesty.org/

Invisible Children: http://www.invisiblechildren.com.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com/

NYPIRG: http://www.nypirg.org/

The days of the week are just plain lethal

Sunday evenings are the sign of impending doom, as the hangover from the weekend still hasn't worn out and the money gambled on the game was what you needed to pay the rent.

Mondays are the end of the world. No one wants to wake up with the regret of not accomplishing anything over the weekend and having to catch up on such nonsense at an ungodly hour on Monday morning when the coffee just isn't strong enough and the pens keep running out of ink.

Tuesdays are a rebirth of sorts. You wake up, make your coffee, get to work, but the work you blasted through the day before in a coffee induced stupor allowed some spare time for you to imagine your plans this weekend to see that kid you went to high school with.

Wednesday's a hump day, everyone knows that. If you make it through Wednesday, then you're practically destined to make it to Friday night pizza parties on the couch in front of the television.

Thursdays are just sickly. It's so close to Friday but there's just no steam to get there. The only thing that is getting you through are the thoughts of the Friday night bashers, the Saturday afternoon barbecues, and the Sunday morning hangovers.

Fridays are particularly nasty, especially the mornings. Nothing says hopeless endeavor like being three cups of coffee in and still can't open your eyes wide enough to see the boss talking to you. But as soon as the clock strikes that final hour, the eyes widen and any socially acceptable behavior you may have had up to this point disappeared quicker than a freshman's first keg stand.

Saturdays have a weird affect on the mind and body. You know that last night may have been too rough on the liver, or that you just should not have stayed awake for that long after a rough week at work, but you did it anyway. And now you have those dates, barbecues, social events, dinners, sporting events, etc to attend to, and you will, with the help of a little psyching up from the best friend for life (bffl omg) and you're ready.

And then Sunday morning hits, and you wished you slept a bit later Saturday and that you didn't have work tomorrow morning, but the weekend was just too good to ignore. We all know that Sundays are the days to get the stories straight for the Monday morning water cooler story swap while still in your coffee induced coma.

Relax, it's just life

The chances of falling off a high rope are at their highest when you look down.

The chances of belonging to a community are at their lowest when you really look around.

But the chances of you making it through today, well they're at their highest when you figure out how to breathe (in through the nose, out through the mouth- it really shouldn't be all that difficult, should it?).

Under the microscope

Well, I'm home again. After all the run around of the past week, I'm finally sitting on my couch tip-tapping away at a keyboard. Spring Break has officially begun, and my reservations for a two story house in the woods have yet to be cancelled. The bed is made, there's a supply of seltzer, and the constant scrutiny of the voices floating around the house. "You're getting fat." "Beast isn't a proper term for a beautiful girl like you." "You lift too much." "You don't eat this, so I guess I'm going to have to give it away." Blah blah blah.

The constant scrutiny of the all seeing eyes. The love-hate relationship that you learned to settle years ago with the shrug of the shoulders and the roll of the eyes. Whatever, all they see is what they want to see. What they expect and what I expect hardly ever coincide, and sometimes I wouldn't trade it for the world. And other times, I just want to scream.

But I don't. Because it wouldn't do anything anyway. So I go into the garage and lift and workout. If you're going to disapprove of my activities, and then do it whole-heartily when I'm shoving back in your face.

If you constantly try to live up to other's expectations you will never achieve your own happiness. So if you're going to piss people off, do something you enjoy. Society has too many double standards and not enough trend makers, rebels, real people who are willing to give the finger and go on with their lives.

Electricity is the power we need to see

I've been away. Not far away nor away-away. Just away.
Busy with life and the subtle impositions it has demanded.
My time has been spent doing things I would rather not do.
Work has caught up, as my time to do things has fled from me,
Wildly down into the drain.
There was no chance for me to grab hold, never mind grasp at it.
It's a rough tough, nitty gritty world that does not want to relinquish more hours in the day.
The sleep needed to get through this is never enough.
And bargaining for more hours in the day and calculating the amount of sleep needed to do everything just doesn't do enough.
Or even anything.
Prayers sent up and down the wave frequency don't seem to hit their target as deadlines move closer and that nasty cold developing in the back of the throat decides to go full throttle and attempt to viciously annihilate any chance of immunity there is.
And then, it's done. As soon as it started, for all the pain endured and pens thrown across the rooms and papers pushed off the desk to make more room, it's done.
And you breathe.

We won what we didn't lose.

Somewhere down the line, we lost ourselves. We lost our minds, our identities, our hopes, dreams, illusions, disillusions, and our false identities. What we found were acceptable replacements at the time, but nothing too permanent. We wanted proof that we could lose what we had, and find it again. Unwittingly, however, not only did we lose everything, but we gained none of which we had before. We found a new self and a new life. Never before did we think it was possible, but the things we lost were forgotten with time, and what we have gained became tattooed to our souls to forever remind us of whom or what we have and can become.

We realized that we aren’t bound by gravitational shackles in every aspect of our lives. 

Your body language is yelling.

Whenever I meet a new person, I typically tell them that I will eventually offend them. It’s not quite purposeful, but it isn’t always accidental, either. I will say something for shock value; how your body cringes and curls and how your eyes narrow at the words and dart away embarrassed or enraged. What I’m interested in is your reaction, how the sweat beads up on your brow as you realize that maybe no one should speak such words. You, the perfect little specimen who has unwittingly stepped into an awkward moment in which you are now forced to bear, are now subject to the scrutiny of my perceptive eyes as the little twinges in your left shoulder let me know I struck a nerve. Oh, it’s beautiful, how the body moves to react as you try to keep a straight face. But body language will forever say more than the movement of the tongue and lips that verbalize thoughts, and we are all prisoner of our body language.

What are the chances?

If lent is about fasting for holiness, what about those who are always fasting? Those who don’t have enough food to feed their children, never mind themselves. If they are Christian, then do they become less so? Do they go to hell for not being able to sacrifice anything they have because they already have next to nothing?

At it again

Dear Society,

Please stop with your pity, with your sympathy, with those sad eyes that don’t quite know what it’s like. We didn’t ask for it; in fact, it makes it harder to deal with. The sorry’s, the wow’s, the pats on the back, yeah, they don’t help. That doesn’t help us and to be honest, we don’t necessarily want help. We are quite capable of functioning, for the most part. The little hiccups in our functioning capacities make us who we are.

I will tell you what we want… or at least, what I want. First, cut the sympathy ploy. I don’t need to be reminded that I can’t always function at peak operating levels. Second, stop with the pats on the back. For some people, it’s a little jarring and not always appreciated. Third, empathy or understanding. We get it, you may not know what it’s like or maybe you do. We appreciate it when you relate to us somehow, just don’t do it in a sympathetic way. Sympathy is feeling bad, empathy is feeling the pain; I’m not talking about actually causing yourself the pain to relate to us, but to understand how we feel helps a lot more than a sorry. To quote Fight Club, “You’re sorry, I’m sorry, we’re all sorry.” Fourth, understand that we have good days, rough days, and don’t-you-dare days, too. But it’s a bit more extreme. It’s more like: Good hours, bad hours, and don’t-come-near-me hours. And sometimes, it goes down to mere minutes or seconds. That does not mean we are all bi-polar, but the little things can set us off quickly, especially if we have been a bout of whatever for a while now.

We do appreciate you, but you need to understand, just because we can’t function like you doesn’t mean we are completely broken and need saving. We are quite capable in our odd, sometimes backwards, and round-about ways. We know how to work around it and sometimes we need a crutch or a hug. Sometimes we just want to stop dealing with everyone and thing within a however many mile radius and at other times, we need to stop and ignore things for a bit. It’s not antisocial behavior or being hostile, it’s us dealing with a world that is extraordinary but overwhelming.

Thanks for listening,

Us. 

The one damn thing

Have you ever looked for a damn good excuse to not do something anymore?
Just one damn thing to let you quit with some dignity.
Yeah, I'm still looking for it.

You, Me, and the Edge of the Cliff

The exhilaration

Is breathtaking

Standing at the top

Just to have your feet

Fall out

The drop is the climax

Can you really see through

This mess?

Halfway through the fall

You forget that you’re dying

And think you’re actually flying

Gravity should have stopped you

But did it actually know

You were coming?

The end should have been the resolution

And just as the ground

Comes up rapidly to meet you

You catch yourself

At the top

Breathing

There's something about you

You were my everything. And you were my nothing. But most importantly, you were my something.

Side effects include punching someone in the face

Why do we have to pay so much money to be healthy? Side-effects include dizziness, emptier wallet, and moodier attitude. Warning: Medication may cause you to have worse symptoms than you had and more than you bargained for. Right, let me trade in a migraine and nausea for dizziness and excessive tiredness, because apparently manufactured problems are better than having your own natural ones. That makes perfect sense. 

What a fool

“Keep your thoughts to yourself,” the World once said. “No!” hollered back Life. “Please, don't start,” whispered the Heart feebly. “Don't make me separate you two” said the Brain. The Muscles just shook their head, “now the brain protects the heart, what a fool.”

This was a first

Today, something strange happened to me. You know how people say how they just woke up and  knew. Just freaking KNEW. I always just thought, "Well, la dee fucking dah. Congrats, you know what do with your life now." Or something along those lines.

Well, today, I woke up (naturally) and just knew. I knew I didn't want to do this anymore. For the past 8 years, I trained for Track and Field. I'm a thrower, I throw all those damn heavy-ass implements that could cause bodily harm if you were hit. Every Saturday during the season, I would wake up and go to a track meet. And today, just like the past 8 years, I woke up and went to a meet. But it was different this time. I wasn't trying to convince myself that I didn't care. I didn't have to; I legitimately didn't care.

I miss karate, I've been doing it since I was four (that's 16 years), and I miss going to the dojo every Saturday morning. I miss enjoying what I do. And I just knew that upon waking up this morning.

Perfection just means failure in the greatest of all ways

I have this idea of perfection that resembles the “All Paths to God” theory. If there is more than one path to God, and God is perfection, then there more than one path to perfection. Of course, there is a question of God’s existence, which means that there is a question of the existence of Perfection. 

All I hear is Blah Blah Blah

Everyone thought they had something worth saying.

Except for the quiet one, who actually had something worth hearing.

The value of seeing

I never really considered myself intelligent. Yeah, I'm smart or something... whatever that adjective is.

It's more of: I'm just a bit more perceptive than others. That's all.

The Fall

There's something about knowing that I could fail miserably.

Well, here I am, again, hanging off the proverbial cliff. If I slip, I fall. But that's the push. Failure is not the end, it is the school of hard knocks. You need to get kicked down, and then kicked some more. How else can you appreciate the success, the gloriously epic feeling of invincibility.

That's when the climb starts. Get up. Move. The greatest success in your life is getting up and trying it again.

That something about being within Failure's control isn't panic. It's not resignation. It's determination. The mud on your knees and the dirt on your hands is all the grip you need.

Now fight back.

Let's continue this controversy

What makes someone uncultured? Uncivilized? Who are we to determine whether or not someone deserves to live or not? We’re not god. We don’t get to pick the fate of someone because they screwed up; because they made a decision they deemed necessary. We don’t get to pick anything but our own life. And because we don’t even have full control over that, we try to rule everyone else’s. But I don’t think we really want control. We say we do, but having total control of our lives means that if something goes wrong, we are forced to blame ourselves. It’s like having a god; we look at how horrible it would be to blame ourselves, so we accuse something intangible. But if we are completely responsible for ourselves, then if something goes right, we give ourselves the credit. We take the credit but not the blame. That’s stupid; if you’re going to take the praise, take the accusations also. Honestly, if we can’t take the blame for ourselves, what makes us think we can take the blame for messing up someone’s life? If we can’t handle the blame, then why should we deserve the praise?

Sitting on the fence

This whole watching both sides.
This whole not making any decisions because you still don't feel any pressure to.

This whole middle-of-the-road thing is going to get me hit by a car at some point.

The conversation (or How I hope it will go)

Hey kiddo, how are ya?

"Hey, I'm good, ya'know."

Yeah, I know. Everything's good? Keeping up on school and work? Trying to adjust to the new home and the new dad?

"It's tough but I get by."

You really don't like him, do you?

"Not really... he's not like my dad."

Yeah, I can understand. Hey, how's your buddies? They taking care of you and all?

"Yeah, we hang out all the time, it's great."

I bet (eye roll as I'm giving the understanding nod)... Now, be honest and tell me something you don't typically say to please someone. You know I care, so tell me the truth. Are you okay?

"What? Yeah, I'm fine, why?"

The truth...

There's a difference...

I realize it may sound horrible but I really can’t stand the whole “Democracy is the best” debate. How can we say for sure that is the best form of government? The United States technically isn’t a democratic nation; it’s a republic with democratic principles. And then there’s the whole democracy and capitalism going hand in hand. These two terms are not synonymous; democracy is a form of government as compared to capitalism, a type of economy. There are nations that are democratic and not capitalistic, but yet Americans think it’s a huge debacle. Heaven forbid another nation is not capitalistic but practices the act of a democratic government. Then people think that a corrupted democracy is due to a weak country. Has anyone looked at the United States political system? Politicians earmarks left and right while Gerry Mander-ing borders for their constituents. But let’s forget all about this wonderful country we live and point out the grave evils of Castro, and other politically corrupted nations with their lack of a capitalistic economy and huge gap between upper and lower class. It’s fine. Let’s completely turn a blind eye to our own mistakes and just point out everyone else’s, no big deal. 

About time

I haven't been able to update recently because of work taking up most of my spare time and sleeping the other percentage. I wish you the best for the new year and remember, it just means a new date on the calendar, not the end of the world.

And with that, I leave you with this:

            You claim to be the North Star

Because you know where you’re going

And swear you know where I want to go

But I try to tell you

Perhaps I don’t want to go North

Maybe I should go East

Instead, I could travel West

But you stick to your words

Insist you know what’s best

And so I just tell you,

Just because you’re the North Star

It doesn’t make you the brightest